Expired lemons

Warning writing this I am emotionally drained so the below may be less coherent than normal. It is a good job our emotions can change like the weather … here is to tomorrow!

When life gives you lemons and they are past their best for lemonade or you are simply out of sugar what do you do? Is it ok to bury those lemons deep and wait for shoots of life to reappear in Spring? That’s me right now, I am definitely out of sugar!  Let me tell you its far from out of sight out of mind but rather I am filled with dread of how many lemons are to come or are to be produced but the growing lemon trees before I regain the ability to make lemonade. I know that by planting one many are to follow.

 

The lemons in our lives can be financial worries, insecurities, health concerns, relationship difficulties the list could go on. It may seem that these things are out of our control and this can lead us to lose control of our reactions. Our reactions are very much in our control right? Really, always? What about impact from trauma, learned behaviours, defence mechanisms, being led by example of those around us and what we know. How can we react in a way we do not know or have not experienced?

It is day 2 of Lent and I am as lost as I have ever been! All I know is if I do what I have always done I will get what I have always got. That sounds negative but it is not. I have always found away to place even an ounce of trust in God and He has given me a purpose and place in this world. Gods love is endless. What I doubt is the end of my trust and the end of my ability to have a purpose, an end of chances in a world that values materials,reputation and ego (or ability to promote oneself above another) that I do not process. When do we need to change tact?

My prayer for today is that for anyone else feeling lost, knowing others are lost too makes you feel less alone. I pray that God gives you the graces of hope, faith and love/charity towards yourself. Intentionally these are the meditations associated with the first 3 Hail Mary’s of the rosary a good place to find yourself when you are struggling.

Too tired to resist

Ok so I’m writing this at what I like to call stupid o clock in the morning. It is the time of day when the stars are out and I, if left to my plan, would happily be in the land of nod cosily wrapped up in my duvet. On this cold December morning this sleep lover is instead up drinking tea and eating chocolate as breakfast is still a few hours away. Why you ask, well for the last 3 hours I have been deceiving myself that I would get more sleep but the cats had different ideas.

I am house sitting over the holidays to look after 2 cats and since 3 am they have wanted their breakfast and were eagerly letting me know this. Usually, I am a dog person and you can tell a dog to be quiet, to stop barking to sit quietly. As much as I tried this morning that is not the case with cats. Too tired of being tired and not being able to sleep the cats finely got their way. Reluctantly on my part, trust me, it was not my plan to give in but I got up and fed them.

For those of you familiar with the bible it will not surprise you that I am left thinking about the neighbour who wanted bread and knocked until I got it. Now though, with two happy purring cats, cozying up on my lap and toes being all affectionate and cute I think about all the times I allow myself to be close to God when things are going my way. What happened to “your will be done”. What happened to go ahead sleep until rested or until your alarm goes off, I trust you will feed me when you get up in your own time, you always do?  

I am too tired to resist. I am too tired to resist giving into to cat demands. I am too tired to resist the chocolate biscuits. I am also too tired to resist prayer. I think I may have been resisting for a while because this morning prayers fill both my head and my heart and I am too tired to resist. It feels good. Not only are the cats curled up to me I feel like I am curled up at the feet of Jesus. I have mentioned previously that naturally I am a busy server following the example of Martha but this morning as I sit quietly in the stupid o clock stillness, I thank Mary for her example and for reminding me that there are times to just sit and just simply be with Jesus. This is ok, this is good.

My prayer is this; Lord help me to know when I am cold you provide warmth, when I am lonely you are by my side, when I am hungry you sustain, when I am scared you lend your strength and you are always stronger than to need to be but most of all help me to remember that if I ask enough you will never resist giving in in love but that in your time you will provide because you always do. Perhaps remembering this is a good enough reason to be up at stupid o clock. Sometimes it is good to crumple up our plans and to stop resisting Gods plan however that reveals itself to us, who knows I may even get an afternoon nap.

Looking after me, myself and my gifts

Today I am struggling. I am feeling hurt and confussed about an encounter with other Catholics who I thought I would be on the same page as or at least in the same book with. Honestly I want to rant about how we shouldn’t pick and choose bits of our religion to make us feel superior about ourselves or above others wither it is ignoring bits we find difficult or emphasising bits others find difficult. I am guilty too though. I know I have done this before. I recognise that we are all sinners and I do not want to turn this blog in to an aggressive ranty one so instead I am going to do what I always do. Rightly or wrongly, I find my faith in my everyday life because that is all I know and it is where God finds me and loves me. I know God wants the best for me, that He walks with me and often for me and that I can improve by looking after myself, putting my own oxygen mask on before helping those around me. So today I look at myself in order to look after myself and be of service to others.

Christmas has come and gone. The gifts have been unwrapped and put away … somewhere! The shop shelves are now lined with Easter eggs (Seriously! I have yet to commit to a new years resolution never mind thought about what I will commit to for Lent this year). I think we are/ I am in danger of moving on too early without thinking about what we have gained this Christmas. In England the Epiphany comes early (like easter eggs) but it brings us back to thinking about gifts. We all have gifts to give but do we recognise them and even then do we use them correctly?

My Gran was an amazing woman. She was born and died in the same house in a wee town in Ireland. Independent, she drove into her 80s despite not really understanding these “high-fandangled modern roundabouts”. Being tech savvy, though, was not one of her strong points. If anything she was suspicious of technology. To my Gran, family was the greatest treasure. A proud mother of 2, grandmother of 4 and great –grandmother to 5 in her lifetime although more were to follow, her sadness came from a family who were scattered across the globe. Christmas meant lots of cards and phone calls but also loneliness for a family she loved dearly. One service that the internet provides is being able to talk to someone while seeing their face on screen giving a better sense of connection. Random devices are a regular Christmas present in most households, stereotypically drills for the uncles, toasty makers for the students, kitchen gadgets for the bakers etc. most unneeded, unused and barely unboxed. For my Gran one Christmas device meant seeing her family while still in her little house. She had no idea how it worked, she needed help to use it, she never would have picked it for herself but she knew its value, not financial but in terms of the joy it could bring. This reminds me that it is ok to need help and that gift even if confusing can be a source of great joy for us and others.

The gifts the wise man brought may not have been understood by Mary and Joseph. If they were maybe they were not wanted but regardless, they were an expression of the value three wise man placed on a baby (Gold, a sign of royalty, frankincense for a priest and myrrh foretelling of suffering and death). God gives us gifts also indicative of the value He places on us. He gave us Christmas, His Son became man for you and me because we are cherished and loved. What greater joy is there then to realise that knowing us, knowing we are sinners, knowing that we are dependent on his help God wants to be with us so He can illustrate His love.

What other gifts have we received this Christmas? Do we realise that they symbolise our value to God? I am not talking about the toasters. Rather what gifts do we need help understanding? What gifts do we perhaps not want for ourselves? Can we find their value and the joy they bring. For me, my unemployment has been a gift I have found difficult to find joy in. There are day though, wither its taking my nephew to the dentist or being home during the day to let the plumber in, that wouldn’t happen if I was employed. There is time to read and breath that would be harder to find if I was employed. There will come a time when unemployment is not right for me (soon I pray) but I thank God for always putting me where I need to be and for the gifts of trust and faith which I continue to slowly unwrap. Unwrapping my gift of faith means I want to talk about it more and more. I want to share it and discuss it and sometimes this is really difficult. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have the desire to speak openly about it especially on days like today when I end up feeling upset about the outcome but when God is involved there is always joy.

Gifts may not be what we want or think we need but God has given us gifts to discover that we are loved and valued by him. In those gifts no matter how hard to unwrap and even if we never understand them, God is our support he left us a manual and continues to guide us. Let us not lose that joy by moving on too quickly but take the time to discover how God wants us to use and appreciate our gifts today. Today it is back to basics. I am looking after myself and being of service to others by using another one of the lessons my gran taught me, I am making a big pot of soup and being grateful for the ability to do so.

I believe in miracles

Do we need to understand to believe? This time of year children excited about Santa and watching classic Christmas movies like Mary Poppins or a personal favourite Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium (like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious just saying the title sounds fun). Believing that Santa visits every child on the nice list in one night, that you can jump into chalk pictures or that toys can pop out of a catalogue on demand does not come from understanding how but rather by focusing on the why. So “why” you may ask, well, because there is a need! We all have a need for promoting good values and aims like being on the good list, for escaping everyday struggles or fears and for hope of giving happiness. I may have grown out of believing in Santa and I may know a little about imagination and the production of movies but I still have a need. I need to be loved, I need a purpose and I need a future without these there would be little point to anything and so I believe in miracles.

Despite my in-depth knowledge of biology I have no idea how life is created. Regardless of birds and bees, pelicans, cabbage patches or even test tubes there are no guarantees. There is something extra or maybe extraordinary in the creation of life. A miracle! I know how food is produced, crops grown, animals cared for, produce tried and tested, packaged and shipped, stacked on shelves and eventually put in a shopping basket. This however, does not hold true for the Eucharist. God himself feeds us his own flesh. Each of us fortunate enough to be able to attend mass can receive the True Food, the Blessed Sacrament, God himself, broken and given to each of us. It is not blindly or for lack of questioning that I believe this. I know I have a need for the Eucharist in my life, I know we all do and God always gives us what we need, perhaps not what we would like or want but always what we need.

I don’t know about you but I have yet to walk across the top of a swimming pool but that doesn’t mean I think it has never been done before. I know Jesus walked on water. What a powerful way to make us trust Him. He essentially said I am more than you, capable of what you are not capable of but with Me, when your attention is solely in following My instruction and when you can avoid distraction, you too can be more. Afterall, He created us to be more. Yes Jesus in his lifetime on Earth did many miracles and more since through the intercession of Mary and the Saints. He needed too, had He said something like “sure I could do these things” but didn’t show us or leave a legacy behind would our trust be as strong or as true. If he said I love you but I also love him and her and that person even my enemy our reaction would have been yeah sure words whatever! However, when we recognise Him as greater than us, as God, as our creator then we can recognise Truth. Water to wine, healings, raising the dead, raising Himself, all miracles I believe in. Walking on custard is a trick of physics, cutting someone in half and putting them together again is magic. There is a truth and explanation behind these things. Again we may not understand how but we all know we could be shown how and then do these things by ourselves. That for me highlights the true difference of a miracle. A miracle is Truth, it is our God being with us, loving us and calling us to Him. It is not something we can explain away, imitate sure with assistance but not something we can replicate or do ourselves by ourselves.

The reason why the church waits to attribute two miracles to the intercession of a holy person before declaring them a saint is as a sign of their arrival in heaven. We are all called to be saints because God wants us all with Him in heaven. What a future! We are small and unworthy but like when walking on water God guides us and calls to be more. He gives us what we need, Him, His love, His mercy, His forgiveness. I need God and desire so much to be with Him in Heaven this is the future I know God wants for us all and so yet another reason to know the Truth and believe in miracles.

God creates us, He Loves us. God feeds us and gives us purpose. God calls us to Him and gives us a future. How I don’t know. Why… so we can recognise our need for Him, love Him, serve Him and put Him first and central in our lives and allow ourselves to be loved by Our God. I believe in miracles because I believe in God. He created me and is continuing to work on me, I need Him and thankfully He loves me. He loves you too. God is all we need.

In Good Time

So I have been looking for a job for over a year now and while small things have come and gone I still keep searching for my ideal job. More than anything I want to be able to put my skills to use but there is more to it than that. I want to be of service to something bigger than myself and my desires. I want to not just use my skills but do good with my skills.

At 31 perhaps I should stop being so idealistic and get any job be responsible listen to society and my head which more often than not says all I need is stability, routine, insurance and a wage that pays the bills and puts food on the table. The more I try to do this the more useless I feel. The more I focus on how fortunate I am to have family who can house me and make things easier for me, how fortunate I am to have a high level of education the more motivation I have to love others around me and use the talents I have trusted with to keep striving for the ideal. Doing the basics is seldom enough to make someone happy, having ambition and aiming high makes people live with a greater enthusiasm and attention to detail. Looking at the detail of my current situation helps me see the daily gifts from God, the gift of family, the gift of patience and perseverance and more than anything the gift of trust that things will work out in good time.

Recently we heard in the Sunday Gospel the parable of the rich young man and Jesus stopped and asked “why do you call me good? No one is Good except God alone”. There is always good in our lives for God never leaves us. In good time we will recognise His presence in our lives and allow ourselves to move closer to him. For me this time of unemployment has been about identifying God in my daily life. I need to make sure it is Him and His service that I desire not just a materialistic career step or ego boosting job. I need to recognise the gift and talents that He has trusted too me so that I can nurture them and ensure that I use them as they are intended.

One of my favourite quotes of all time is from St. Thérèse of Lisieux “God would never inspire me with desires which cannot be realized; so in spite of my littleness, I can hope to be a saint”. If we can identify desires as coming from God we can only do him praise by trying to fulfil those desires. There will always be other options perhaps easier, more realistic, rational or more pleasing to society or friends but both goodness and happiness come from only one source, Jesus, our Lord, Saviour and God! It is best to not hide from our desire but to identify why we have them in the first place through prayer before deciding how we need to act. “All in good time” is a phrase I have not heard for a while but when I was young it was often the response to “are we going yet”, “is dinner ready”, “is it my turn” and all the other slightly pesky questions children ask. I knew how I wanted to act but did not see the big picture. It usually meant there is something more important to do first, like putting shoes on or letting food cook so as not to get ill. When we feel like things are not going fast enough or our desires are not being realised perhaps we are not seeing what is important. Are we still putting God first? Are we still praying, checking in with God to see what needs to happen? God loves us! God wants us to be happy. When we stop resisting and focus on Him we will find our purpose and source of happiness, all in good time or in time with God. We are all still little lets trust God with our big picture, He is the Creator after all.

Hidden ego

 Today I found my professional ego. I value that I am good at my job. I have a high respect for those who taught me and trained me and so know that I am capable at what I do. However, I am generally the type of person who sees what they are not good at or what they can be better at. This makes applying for jobs really difficult. Usually I look down the list of essential requirements on a job advertisement and think I am not good enough but I also know that they are no perfect candidates. Yet, this can often be enough to stop me from applying with my argument being that if I can’t get past not being perfect than I clearly do not want the job enough.

Jobs and where my career will lead me has been on my mind a lot lately and when it is I have been struggling to remember that my service of God is what has to lead me. Today I had a wake up call as I applied for a job in a different line of work. I found an advertisement and thought the person who does this job could really benefit society. I looked at the essential requirements and thought basically they want someone who can read, write and learn (although not quite stated like that) – I could do that. Yet I still dismissed it but this time it was not because I didn’t meet the job spec but rather the essentials list did not include any skills specific to me, my expertise the skills I have worked hard to gain are not required. I was too good for this job?

Today after a lot of contemplation I realised I have been looking for a career but desiring to make a difference. If making a difference means more than growing my professional ego it was not factored on my current career path and perhaps it is time for a change. This desire has meant this job has been on my mind since I first saw the advertisement some time ago. I found my hidden ego as I dug out my CV and deleted the first page, all the specific skills and achievements that I have been proud of and wanting to put first. This was very difficult for me to do and took me about an hour to actually stop trying to reword things and just hit the delete button. As I looked at the more generic skills that were left I was surprised to think actually this reflects me as a person more than it had done previously.

I guess sometimes our sins such as pride become so engrained that they are hidden to us until we find a reason to look at ourselves differently. Perhaps the first step should be identifying what it is that we really want, is it just the career or something deeper? The funny thing is that addressing what we want can teach us so much about who we are. God wants what will make us happy not just trivially happy but the deeper joy that comes from recognising our true desires and moving towards them. When we ditch the pride, ego ,and expectation to really look at our desires we may surprise ourselves and realise are goal posts have moved. My goal posts may have even been for the wrong sport.

I am grateful that I have the opportunity to work regardless of what that job may be and for finally realising that having a specific skill set does not make one job better than another, it is our boss that determines the quality and purpose of our work. There is only one boss I want to work under, for under His instruction my work will make a difference. God must always come first. It maybe months before I known if I have been chosen for this job that I have applied for but I know that God has chosen me for His work so it has been a very successful application. He has a job for you too!

 

Hiding in the Light

Sometimes I need a wake up call and this bookprovided one! While politicians are often called upon to act in times of crisis and held to account when we don’t like the decisions they make or the speed at which they act. What are we doing, what am I doing? all too often I hide behind others or the mask of knowing what I should do in order to hide from doing, actually acting on what I know is right. I have recently found myself infuriated by the lack of generosity, empathy and compassion in our society and I needed to wake up to the fact that it was me and my lack of action that I should really worry about.

Hiding in the Light

Author: Rifqa Bary

What a powerful testimony! God is alive and with us today not just in stories of old but in our lives if we can find away to listen to him; even when it is scary, even when the future is uncertain, even when our dreams are not coming true straight away, even when it causes pain, even when it is against custom He is with us.

I am Christian, I am Catholic, I know Jesus is God, I know He loves me. My life is not in danger saying this in my daily life but do I say it, do I live it enough? This book testifies to the power God can have in our lives to guide, protect and love us. Hence why I stayed up reading until 2am in the morning, to put it down felt like a betrayal not only betrayal of a young scared child, but of the God who was leading her and who is also present in my life and in yours today. I think this book sets the challenge and example of trust.

When we see God here and now with those in need, with us, it is a powerful blessing. It is easy to think of our own comfort and pretend that, that is how the rest of the world is but it is important to see reality; the children who are abused regardless of faith, faith had little to do with the abuse in this book, the fear of being different, the challenges that embedded traditions hold both positive and negative. How does our society handle these situations and how do other countries, religions and societies see them? The biggest thing that struck me in this book was the battle Rifqa had to get people to see her reality not the outer façade put up by her parents and traditions (which lets face it we all have over our lives even if to a much lesser degree) or just how it ought to be after all “This is America”. Today, I am grateful that God loves, I am grateful I can freely worship but I hope that I will have the faith and trust to worship and confess Jesus as God in adversity.

There is more left after reading this book though, the realisation that this is someone elses life today. This is real and it happens in multiple ways today. People suffer, really physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually today in America, in Europe in every country and society. Jesus saves lives but we can help – what can we do now? The most striking line in this book for me was “Do you need me to drop of food anywhere?”.  It came at a point when a life was in danger and it seemed like much more was needed but this was enough at that for then. Surely we can help with the journey that others are going through, our small acts may be all they need. There are so many heroes in this book and in our world. Jesus is Food that sustains and the Saviour of all may He act in all of us, for the glory of His name and the coming of His kingdom. He is our true Hero.

Trust issues

I have been taught by society, lesson and circumstance to try to be an independent woman. To stand up for myself, earn and pay for myself, make plans and decisions on my own. I would argue that all this has done is left me with trust issues. We all know that if we fall of our bicycles we have to get back on again and practice. It doest mean that we let the fear of another fall stop us from getting up and trying to get places in a hurry. Look at professional cyclists, some of the toughest competitors in sport, they are so determined to finish often even a broken collar-bone can not stop them. Yet do we try to be as resilient when we fall from trusting someone and get hurt.

The thing about trusting God though it that it almost works the other way around from trusting another person. When we trust a person and they let us down we get hurt and we try to do things ourselves. When we do not trust in God we try to do things ourselves and we get hurt, by ourselves. Unfortunately, society teaches us to try to do things ourselves and so we are out of practice of trusting God. If on the other hand we trust God with the little and big things in our lives we will never be disappointed. Things may not go according to our will but how much better is it to know that they are going according to His will.

Yet again I find myself with some big changes happening in my life. Some big opportunities or challenges will come my way soon. It is funny that when I think of God being in charge I am so excited about the direction my life could take. When I think of my hopes and dreams and how big they are and what “I” need to do, there is a definite anxiety almost pushing me to despair. Luckily I am learning to put God first and walk in his shadow and importantly to trust Him as the song goes “with a little help from my friends”. A good friend can always some up with a pearl of wisdom unexpectantly when you need it and recently I found this quote “God would never inspire me with desires which cannot be realized; so in spite of my littleness, I can hope to be a saint.” St. Thérèse of Lisieux. Dreams may come true but prayers are answered!  So for now I will keep pedelling and doing the work but practice letting go of the handle bars so God can take care of directions.

 

Your story

Ever thought about the story that lies in your mess?

My life is certainly messy but was recently described by someone as a great story. This makes it sound a little more ordered and romantic in my opinion. When I think of stories I think of fairytales. Beautifully illustrated pages filled with princes, princesses, romance of the purest sort, happy ever afters and even a lesson to be learnedpat attention. This is not how I generally see my life. My life is a story and yours is too! Our lives are a story of love and happy ever afters but for now there will be times when this is hard to believe. We can get caught up in the detail that we just see a muddle of letters and words and in our confused state struggle to read.

Our life is a story of Gods love for us. By Gods love we are alive and cast in this story. It was not an accident but a deliberate casting by which we were given our role according to our ability and skills. By God’s love Jesus gave His life to us, it doesn’t get any more dramatic or romantic than that! Ok perhaps by its truth it does, this is not a fairytale but a true story! As far as our happy ever after is concerned when we learn to read our story and reach the Jesus we will realise the truth of his promise eternal “ever after” life with Him, true happiness and true life.

Like a small child we don’t have to “be able” to read, we just have to believe and see the signs in the pictures to tell the story (or have heard it enough times). Even in the dark parts of our lives we need not be afraid for we are assured of our happy ending. Our story, my story and yours, will be great for the are written by the best Author, our Casting Director, Teacher, Lord and God!

What do I know?

Very little!

This is perhaps a good question to ask as back to school supplies seem to be everywhere. Having grown up as a Catholic, for many years, too many, I have been complacent in learning and deepening my faith. I thought I knew it all but in reality I know very little. This acknowledgement is both a little scary but also liberating because I can begin to learn. I always think it can be helpful to identify what you know and what you know that you don’t know. Here is a few of my knowns.

What I know:

1. I desire to know God better
2. There is truth in the Bible
3. I believe we are all loved by God
4. I have a purpose
5. I really want others to meet Jesus

What I don’t know:

1. How to accept that I can not really know God
2. How to communicate the Truth
3. How to accept that I am loved by God
4. What my purpose is
5. How to fully witness the sacraments

So it looks like I am ok with the theory and the desire but not so ok with the practice. It is important to be real. I may have some idea of what needs doing but actually doing it is another matter. It’s a learning experience and it’s all about trying, practice, failing and trying again. Someone once told me Jesus was history’s biggest failure. This is because Jesus died a humiliating death which scattered his followers and left him alone looking like he had accomplished nothing. Yet here we are talking and following today more that 2000 years later. If we fail doing God’s work it is only because we can not see the success.

I know God is so far outside my capacity for understanding but this shouldn’t stop me trying. I read books, pray etc but still get frustrated with knowing how much more there is. I want to be an A+ student, the know it all rather that the “know what I need to” student. Yet again it comes down to God knowing me completely and knowing what is best.

As far as communication goes, I can make a pretty graph and presentation and give a lecture about work but speaking from the heart is a different profession. I know where to find the content, in God’s word, tradition and life, but how can reflect the significance and Truth with others. Again the directions are there to be followed, show how to love by loving, show how to be just by treating fairly, show how to be humble by humbling yourself. My question remains “How”.

I know we are all loved, yes this includes me. I know I am loved by God. I have evidence for this, I am completely confident of this but yet hearing the words out loud “God loves you” makes me really uncomfortable, like every ounce of my body wants to reject and hide from it. It is difficult to be humble enough to accept my own unworthiness and embrace a love so unconditional.

I know God has sent me in to the world with a plan. I have been sent. Where and to do what, boy I wish I knew. It is difficult to accept God’s hand and direction when the world is trying to get you to make your own plans. We can not sit and do nothing we need to act but how do we insure our actions are desired by God. It can not be as simple as making all actions filled with love because that still leaves options but it is a good start.

I am fed and sustained by the sacraments. I know these are where God is closest to us, where we can most acutely feel his presence. I also know this sounds weird to those who have not experienced it. How can my life bring people to the sacraments, it can’t. well not directly. Jesus calls everyone to himself and I can try to point people to Jesus. Again it comes down to “how”.

These are my struggles but also blessings as I journey in discovering God further He comforts and reassures me that He is here for me. I am sure you have your own struggles but I think the most important thing I know is that we are not alone. Jesus knew what it was to struggle, to be frustrated and to learn. I know that if we are honest we all have our issues the main one being that we are human and have to accept ourselves and trust in Him always. I will keep trying, I will keep praying, I will keep failing and with God’s help I will get back to trying because despite the frustration, uncertainty and sometimes fear, it is all worth it for the simple fact we are loved. So let’s keep learning!